So last week I shared that I have been suffering from separation anxiety! In the English dictionary it is described as the fear of being separated from someone close to you.
You know how as parents we have so many plans for our lives; plans of how and when we will actually reach a point where we “set our children free,” to explore the world without breathing down on their necks and constantly being in their faces. Well, I’m one of those parents. I want to be there to see the day every tooth comes out, every new milestone, every new word, every new dance style new song she becomes attached to. I want to be there when her sleeping patterns change, every small thing is precious and I want to be there to share in it. In as much as it may sound crazy, that’s how I pictured myself as a mother from the day I found out I was pregnant. With the current lockdown I have been working from home and able to be the mother I wanted to be however, that didn’t even last long enough.
Due to unforeseen circumstances I have had to leave home and leave her behind with my parents. In as much as I know she is in good hands, my heart is still sore. It hurts that I can only have limited time with her which is weekends. It breaks my heart that I can’t give her the morning kisses and whisper how much I love her. I can’t tell her how beautiful and intelligent she is on a daily basis, that I can’t hug her at night when she wakes up crying probably due to a nightmare.
What makes me worried the most is the thought of waking up one day to be told she has been hurt, or that something has happened to either one of us. We are currently living in a time where women and children are not safe in the hands of men in South Africa. It is no longer about what we wear (as they once claimed) or how we present ourselves to them. It’s now the mere fact that we are women and our children are vulnerable, which now leads men into thinking we are theirs and they can do as they wish with our bodies irregardless of what we want and how we feel.
We have become nothing but a plastic toy that they can play with, break and throw in the trash can. The most heartbreaking thing is that we do not know how to protect ourselves or who to protect ourselves from. So I’m scared and I am constantly praying for God to protect her, to protect me and every other woman or child in South Africa.
For how long? How long must I go down on my knees and pray for men to think of us as humans? How long must women fear for their lives with no protection? No one knows really and so I remain scared for both our lives and being separated from her forever more than I currently am right now. If you are out there as a mother and have recently had to separate with your child, my prayers are with you and may God make way for us to be able to live with our children and be safe.